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OneEyedValkyr's avatar
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SilentXSpectre's avatar
Okay, there's a way this could have been written better, if at all since there a ton of cliches (sorry, brutally honest).

First, time skips are a lazy addition to a story and aren't usually used. Starting the story at the current age of the main character is a better option, with a brief and short backstory so we know what we're dealing with. 

Second, don't talk out of character/in brackets, explaining why you do something. It loses the creepy.

Third, don't immerse long and boring conversations with the main character and their Pokemon, especially about if the main character still loves them with y/n options. It's very cliche.

Fourth, try to steer from bucket-loads of gore and detached limbs. Though it can be an 'okay' attempt at trying to creep the reader out, it's also overused and should be done very carefully. For example a better way is seemingly different-looking sprites or models of Pokemon, but rather than appearance (unless it's portrayal of an emotion) use odd behaviour in a pokepasta, such as 'the sprite was blinking black and white then stopped at a crimson shade; after, it disappeared entirely off the battle screen.'

I hope this critique helped in some way, keep on writing! :)